Today, I feel fragile and have been using writing and art to calm me. This poem comes from how I described the panic attack to my mother.
Last night at about 1am I had a panic attack. It’s not the first time I’ve experienced it, so I was able to recognise it and call for help.
The latest lockdown – which came as a complete surprise – was a step too far for my already at-capacity system.
Free Fall
Grey skies descend again
my outlook is bleak
the dew drops on my too-long-lawn
look like the tears I wept
instead of slept last night
so late it was this morning
I could hear the gears clicking in my head
ascending along the clackety tracks
click…up
click…up
click…
I’d been distracting myself by looking at the view
port phillip bay
I’m hidden too behind a big fake smile
I turned the tv off and the gears started whizzing
a prize wheel without the winning
now i’m plunging down from the summit
in freefall
my heart is in my stomach
and my lungs are…
my lun…
my l…
grasping for air
I’m not loving this funfair
what if I can’t…
what if…
wha…
LOSER ding! ding! ding!
my heart whizzes…
my heart wh…
my h…
I can’t…
I can’t…
I can’t…
bottoming out to the sound of my rudely awoken mother’s
voice dripping with concern
I’m here…
I’m here…
breathe
I’m here…