I wrote this as a Facebook post almost a year and a half ago. I saved it recently when Facebook memories brought it back to my attention.
It was doing the Leadership Ballarat Leaders Forum that enabled me to identify the need to re-vamp my thinking, but also gave me the courage the start that journey. I’m still working on that, as my most recent blog describes.
I have been reflecting on mindfulness after going the Leading Mindfully workshop and Amanda Sinclair said that the major cause of stress is excessive thinking. I believe it.
Tonight I wrote a reflective piece about her workshop and seeing theatre as a tool for mindfulness (read it here), and instead of being pleased about doing that process of reflecting – I went to send it to someone who could edit it for me and started to investigate where I could get it published. But I did stop myself.
I am used to taking pride from looking good that I forget to take pride in doing good.
Earlier today I got a letter of support for my next theatre project from a major partner organisation. My son spent most of the day wearing undies and went to the toilet four or five times. My husband lifted himself out of the morning’s low mood and ended up having a good day. But earlier tonight I got a rejection phone call from another potential supporting individual for my show and I felt like a big ol’ failure.
I am attached to a notion of identity that makes me feel like I have to do it all, like I have to prove myself.
But identity, as Amanda said, is a fabrication, and I can choose not to spend my time and energy in preserving that fabrication. I can take some new coloured threads and start to weave them into this tapestry. Gradually the picture will change. Gradually I am becoming more self aware and I can train my brain to stop thinking so much.
August 27, 2017